30 Days

I can’t believe it’s been 30 days. It seems like forever and yesterday all at the same time. I feel like I’ve accomplished so much and nothing at all. I’ve questioned most things in my life and almost all of the past decisions I’ve made, and I’ve came up with absolutely zero answers because there aren’t any. I’ve learned things in the past 30 days about myself that I never knew. I’ve loved my sober self and hated me more than I would like to admit. But not once did I escape. Not once did I do something I was ashamed of and get fucked up so I couldn’t feel the embarrassment or the frustration.

On day 30 it was really easy to convince myself that 30 days was good enough. I proved to myself I could do it and I thought to myself, “I’m probably fine now”. Like any addict, this wasn’t my first time hitting 30 days and thinking that. However, this will be the first time that I make it to 60 days. It’s easy to think that I could probably have a glass of wine or beer at dinner but I know I’m not ready. I know that I would end up right back where I was. It probably wouldn’t be tomorrow or even a month from now, but it would be guaranteed that at some point I would be drinking too much and substitute it for one of my addictions, convincing myself that it is better for me somehow. In my haze, I would also manage to convince myself that I was never really an addict in the first place. Fast forward a handful of months and I am right back where I was 30 days ago.

I can’t go back to that place. I can’t go back to that place because coming out of it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I never want to do it again and that’s what keeps me from convincing myself that I may be ok. I’m afraid that if I slipped I would never convince myself to be sober again. In fact, I’m sure I would convince myself that being sober isn’t worth it and I’m fine the way that I am. I don’t want to live in a haze. I want to be myself. What’s the point of having a life if I can’t be me?

This is the longest I’ve ever been sober. When I think of that and I think of all the seemingly impossible goals I have for my life, I can’t help but think that I am doing the impossible every day. Every day that I manage to stay sober I’ve done what I thought was impossible just 30 days ago. It’s the most empowering and inspirational thing I’ve ever done for myself. Just for today, I’m not ready to give it up.

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