As I’m writing this I am sitting at an NFL preseason game thinking, “Why the HELL did I think this was a good idea?” Why did I think it was a good idea to come to my favorite place to watch football and have many many beers. A place where everyone else is also having many many beers and doesn’t understand why you aren’t “having fun with them”.
I’ll tell you why. I thought I was ok. I’ve been sober for 16 days now. The last few days haven’t seemed so bad. In my sober world, a few days seems like weeks so I feel like I’m doing a great job. In fact, I feel like I’m doing such a good job that I could probably handle just one beer. Well, maybe just one night of drinking. It’s just drinking after all and I’m sober from narcotics not alcohol, right? I mean, how long can I really be expected to not have a glass of wine at dinner or a beer while watching football? Not to mention, I was a functioning addict so maybe that’s not really an addict and maybe I just needed a few days to get some clarity.
And then I realize that if I am trying that hard to rationalize it, if I am fixating on it that much, then I must not be ok. Then once I’ve decided I shouldn’t, I am angry at everyone who is and I’m naseus and I just need to get to my seats. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just need to sit in silence and watch the game.
So, no, I’m not ok. I’m not going to be ok. But I can’t avoid the things I love the rest of my life just because I used to drink or self-medicate while doing them, otherwise, I would never be able to do anything ever again. So for now I’m going to eat my pizza and churro and cotton candy and drink my over priced bottle of water and sit in silence because that is where I’m at and where I’m at is sober. All that matters is getting through this. It doesn’t have to be pretty.