I hate the word addict. It makes me seem like I have no self-control, not to mention labels make me uncomfortable. But I guess that’s the point. The only reason I keep the label is to remind myself that, for the time being, I am not allowing myself to have ANY mind-altering substances. For me that’s my true addiction. I just want to mentally check out for a little bit. Kind of like when other people watch TV. The only difference is I seem to always want more and I want it everyday. I always thought I had control over it because I didn’t OD and I could manage it so that I still had a seemingly normal life. What I didn’t have control over was the ability to stop or go a day without.
I keep thinking that maybe one day I’ll be ok, just maybe. One day I’ll be able to enjoy just a glass of wine or I won’t have to refuse the extra pain medication the doctor tries to give me. Maybe one day I won’t spend 2/3rds of my day thinking of these scenarios and wishing they were today. Until then, I guess I’m going to identify as an addict because it is the one word powerful enough to remind me that I actually do not have control.